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Doi canibali discutau in fata casei unuia dintre el. Cel tanar catre cel batran:
- Cu tot respectul cuvenit as dori sa-ti cer mana ficei tale.
- Servesti aici, sau la pachet?
- Stiti ce scrie pe aeroportul canibalilor?
- ?!?
- "Bine ati venit, manca-v-as !"
I:Cum isi dovedesc canibalii curajul?
R:Fac sex oral cu nevestele lor.
Papa decide sa se plimbe cu masina in Roma, incognito. Se urca in limuzina cu geamurile fumurii si ii ordona soferului: Sa mergem in oras! Soferul, cam speriat, pentru ca e prima data asa singur cu papa, fara escorta de politisti, merge numai cu 20 la ora. Papa, indignat, ii ordona sa accelereze. Insa soferul nu indrazneste mai mult de 30 la ora. La care papa:
- Hai, lasa-ma pe mine in fata, iti arat eu cum se conduce o masina! Se pune la volan papa si apasa acceleratia pana la podea. Limuzina prinde viteza, insa politistii o observa. Dupa o urmarire ca-n filme, politistul ii opreste si se repede la geamul soferului. Dupa numai cateva minute insa se intoarce la masina de patrula. Colegul il intreaba:
- Ce-i ma, de ce nu l-ai amendat? Esti prost, sau ce? Si de ce esti asa speriat?
- Ma, cum sa-l amendez, era o personalitate asa importanta in masina...
- Cine, primarul? Da pe el puteai sa-l amendezi!
- Nu, nu - cineva mai important...
- Cine, ministrul? Da si ala-i un corupt si jumatate.
- Nu, mai important...
- Prim ministrul?
- Nu, nu...
- Da cine, presedintele american?
- Nu, cineva si mai important...
- Da cine atunci? Zi odata!
- Ba, nu stiu cine era, dar papa ii e soferul.
Jurnalul unui taliban
Luni: Mă bligdizezg.
* Marti: A venid băiadu vecinului la mine ?Žn gurde, mi-a vurad o vagă ji mi-a omor??d gădzelu.
* Miercuri: Am omor??d eu băiadu.
* Joi: A venid dadăl băiadului la mine gu doadă vamilia ji gu doade rudele ză mă omoare.
* Vineri: I-am omor??d eu be dodzi.
* S??mbătă: S-a adunad dod zadul ?Žn vadza gazei mele ză mă izgoneazgă din zad.
* Duminică Am omor??d eu dod zadul.
* Luni Iar mă bligdizezg..
Canibalul către copiii săi:
- Copii, să fiţi cuminţi anul ăsta, că, dacă nu vine Moş Crăciun, n-avem din ce face friptura.
Ce scrie pe aeroportul canibalilor?
"Bine aţi venit, m?Žnca-v-aş!"
Un canibal se mută la oraş, iar după ceva timp vine maică-sa ?Žn vizită. Şi, ?Žn timp ce m?Žncau, asta zice:
- Ştii, nu prea ?Žmi plac vecinii tăi...
- Atunci măn?Žncă doar legumele.
2 pitici vizitează Africa. Era cam pustiu, dar ?Žn a treia zi ?Žnt?Žlnesc un grup de oameni ciudaţi, care ?Ži primesc cu caldură. La un moment dat, piticul mai curios ?Žntreabă:
- De ce e aşa pustiu? S?Žnt canibali pe aici?
- Nu, nu s?Žnt? săptăm?Žna trecută l-am m?Žncat pe ultimul?
Un canibal se duce la şeful lui şi ?Žl ?Žntreabă dacă ?Ži dă m?Žna fiicei lui. Şeful zice:
- O serveşti aici sau la pachet?
Pe o insulă se aflau trei femei, iar pe mal aşteptau nem?Žncaţi canibalii? După c?Žteva zile de aşteptare, una dintre femei pică ?Žn apă, canibalii s?Žnt fericiţi, o pescuiesc, o prăjesc şi o măn?Žncă. Dupa alte c?Žteva zile, pică şi a doua femeie, canibalii o măn?Žncă şi pe aceasta. ??nsă cea de-a treia nu pică deloc.Canibalii ?Žncep nerăbdători să pregătească totul pentru masă, ?Žncep să se roage, doar-doar o pica femeia. Cu foarte multă greutate şi după zile de aşteptare, pică ?Žn sf?Žrşit...
MORALA: Răbdare de canibal să ai, că femeia tot pică.
Care e textul religios cel mai drag unui canibal?
Cum să ?Žţi serveşti aproapele?
John crede că e canibal şi familia l-a convins, ?Žn sf?Žrşit, să meargă la consultaţie la un renumit psihiatru.
C?Žnd se ?Žntoarce John acasă, după prima vizită la medic, soţia ?Žl ?Žntreabă:
- Cum ţi s-a părut medicul?
- Delicios, răspunse John, ling?Žndu-şi buzele.
Doi canibali stau ?Žn pom. Pe jos trece un cavaler ?Žn armură. Unul dintre ei spune:
- Azi m?Žncăm conserve!
Un canibal merge ?Žn vizită la vecinul său să-i admire noul frigider.
- Ce capacitate are? ?Žl ?Žntreabă.
- Nu sint sigur, răspunde acesta, dar au ?Žncăput ?Žn el cei doi oameni care l-au adus.
-Cum se face cezariana la canibali?
-Se mananca femeia din jurul copilului.
Un trib de canibali prind un rus, un german si un roman.
Seful da ordinele: -Pe rus il facem la protap, pe german il facem ciorba de burta iar pe roman.....?..ciorba de oase.
Dupa un timp merge in control si este multumit: rusul e rumenit, ciorba de burta reusita, dar cand ajunge la roman vede ca doi canibali tineau capul romanului afara. Revoltat tipa la ei sa-l lase in oala ca el da gustul. Acestia-i raspund: -Da, dar daca il lasam mananca cartofii de pe fund...
ce reprezinta o femeie insarcinata pentru un canibal?
un kinder cu surprize.
un canibal se duce la seful lui si il intreaba daca ii da mana fiicei lui.
seful zice:-o servesti aici sau la pachet?
Un speolog american, unul francez si unul roman sunt prinsi de canibali.
Canibalii, si ei speologi, le explica speologilor ca le sunt simpatici, dar ca au de ales doar doua variante: sa fie mancati sau sa se inscrie in clubul local de speologie.
Cei trei accepta sa se inscrie in clubul local si constata ca au de indeplinit trei probe obligatorii pentru admiterea in clubul de speologie: sa traverseze un lac plin cu crocodili care se continua cu o pestera dupa un sifon, sa treaca in sifon, iar in capatul sau sa se lupte cu ursoaia cea batrana si sa-I rupa o laba ursoaicei, si in sfarsit, sa faca sex cu ce mai batrana baba din sat.
Americanul se echipeaza, sare in apa si este instantaneu devorat de crocodilii flamanzi.
Francezul sare si el repede in apa, ocoleste crocodilii care erau ocupati cu americanul si tece sifonul, dar dupa cateva secunde se aud niste ragete si apoi liniste totala.
Romanul se echipeaza, ia niste vodca la bord, se face praf de beat, sufla cu duhoare de vodca spre crocodili care o rup la fuga, apoi trece sifonul, de unde iese dupa vreo trei ore:
- Mai baieti, unde-i baba sa-i rup laba?!
Un canibal se muta la oras, iar dupa ceva timp vine maica-sa ?Žn vizita. Si,?Žn timp ce m?Žncau, mama zice:
- Stii, nu prea ?Žmi plac vecinii tai...
- Atunci man?Žnca doar legumele.
Cica doi candibali tata si fiu se plimbau pe plaja unei insule, dintr-o data vad o fata buna de ....
Fiul zice: hai sa o mancam!
La care tatal: nuu... lasa ca o mancam pe mama-ta si pe asta o pastram pentru noi...........
Insotzitoarea de zbor il intreaba pe un canibal daca doreshte sa consulte meniul.
Canibalul cere lista pasagerilor.
Q: Cum face un canibal cura de slabire ?
A: Mananca pitici.
Un american, un japonez si un roman sunt prinsi de canibali. Seful de trib le zice: daca cineva dintr voi reuseste sa construiasca ceva ce n-am mai vazut, e liber sa plece.
Face americanul o nava spatiala cu motoare warp, minuni, de ziceai ca-i Enterprise din Star Trek.
- A, e nava cu motoare warp, am mai vazut in Star Trek - zice seful
Japonezul face un teveu cu plasma si tot felul de balarii pe el.
- Mare scofala, TV cu plasma! La ceaun si cu el
Romanul vine cu o bota cu 3 butoane.
- Ce e asta?
- O bota!
- Bun, asta am vazut! Dar de ce are 3 butoane?
- Pai sa vezi: primul buton nu face nimic.
- Bun, si al doilea?
- Al doilea chiar nu face nimic!!
- Dar al treilea??
- Pai al treilea anuleaza primele doua comenzi!
Un canibal cu fiul lui văd un avion. Fiul zice:
- Tată, ăla se măn?Žncă?
- Nu tot, fiule, numai miezul!
ce scrie cand ajungi in orasul canibalilor?
bine ati venit, mancava-s.
Ajunge Magelan pe o insula si se intalneste cu un bastinas si il intreaba:
-Exista canibali pe insula asta?
-Nu! Acum l-am mancat pe ultimul.
Seful unui trib de canibali pleaca la vanatoare cu fiul sau de 4-5 ani. Umbland ei prin padure,vad o negresa.
- Ce facem ?intreaba tatal...
- O mancam !zice fiul
O sageteaza si o lasa acolo ca sa o ia supusii.Mai merg,iar vad o negresa:
- Ce facem ?in treaba tatal.
- O mancam....
O sageteaza si pe asta,si imediat vad o blonda superba:
- Ce facem cu asta ?intreaba tatal
- O mancam,raspunde fiul ca de obicei.
- O mancam pe mama-ta,prostule,pe asta o pastram....
Un trib de canibali prind 3 europence. Fiind ziua sefului le ofera la alegere: buci-buci sau moarte ?
Prima femeie raspunde demn:
- Mai bine moartea decat dezonoarea!
Canibalul zice:
- Asa sa fie!
A doua raspunde la fel.
- Mai bine moartea decat dezonoarea!
Canibalul zice:
- Asa sa fie!
A treia, parasuta de profesie, raspunse:
- Decat moartea, mai bine buci-buci.
- Bine, zise canibalul, buci-buci pana la moarte!
Doi canibali mergeau prin jungla. Unul dintre ei era indragostit de fiica celuilalt, asa ca isi face curaj si ii spune:
- Imi doresc mana fiicei tale!
Celalalt se gandeste doua secunde si raspunde:
- Bine! Cum o vrei? Fiarta sau prajita?
intr-o zi de vara un vapor plin de turisti naufragiaza in apropierea unei insule de canibali.tocmai cand canibali isi pregateau masa au aflat ca nu este nici un supravetuitor. Si asa cum stateau ei suparati dintr-o data a aparut o blonda superba la malul marii. Atunci un canibal spune celuilalt:
- Frate, cred ca o sa ramanem vegetarieni!!
Un canibal, care avea o turma de copii, pleaca intr-o dimineata sa procure ceva de mancare.
Umbla toata ziua dar nu gaseste nimic de-ale gurii.
Spre seara se intoarce la grota unde locuia si unde il intampina mereu copii.
De data aceasta (nu era prima data) se intoarce purtand pe spinare un mare cosciug.
Cand il vad copii, acestia reactioneaza profund dezamagiti:
- Cum tati, iar conserve, iar conserve?
Doi canibali tineri discutau:
- Iti place ma sora-mea?
- Da ma, buna raaauuu!
- Atunci mai ia o bucata!
Un canibal a prins un american, un neamt si un rus.
I-a mancat pe totzi. Era flamand si n-avea timp de bancuri.
Doi romani se aflau pe o insula parasita din Caraibe cand vad un restaurant.
Alearga grabiti intr-acolo si se aseaza la o masa.
Vine chelnerul si ia comanda
-Ce doriti?
-Ce aveti?
-Pai ciorba de baluba, friptura de baluba si placinta de baluba.
-Vrem din toate!
-OK!
Dupa ce mananca cei doi intreaba:
-Stiti cumva unde e toaleta?
-Cum sa nu: Peste deal, dupa tufis, scoti baluba si te pisi!
Ce scrie pe pancarta la aterizarea avionului pe pista la canibali ? - Bine ati venit, mancav-as!
Un american, un francez si un tigan, naufragiati de pe un vas, ajung pe o insula cu canibali.
Sunt prinsi de mancatorii de oameni, care, adunati in jurul lor, se gandesc ce sa faca cu fiecare.
Americanu era solid, peste suta de kile, francezu asa si asa, batea pe la 100, dar tiganul era vai si amara de slab, de ii statea burta lipita de sira spinarii.
Dupa un timp de gandire, seful tribului decide:
- Din american facem sunca, din francez facem supa, iar din tigan facem sapun.
La care tiganul, nervos, zice:
- Sa moara mama daca oi face spume!
Un american, un englez si un moldovean naufragiaza pe o insula si sunt capturati de canibali.
Seful canibalilor le spune:
-Stiu ca nu ne intelegeti modul de viata, cultura si ne considerati cruzi si inapoiati. Ca sa va dovedesc cultura mea va invit sa-mi spuneti un cuvant strain si daca nu-l voi sti va las in viata, iar daca o sa-l stiu... va bag la cazan.
Americanul, paralizat de frica, vede un fluture zburand si spune "ce inseamna butterfly?".
- Aaa, pai asta e simplu: fluture, spune canibalul si-l baga pe american la cazan.
Canibalul ii face semn apoi englezului sa se apropie si sa-i spuna cuvantul ales. Si englezul, mort de frica, vazand fluturii zburand spune "butterflies". Ghinion insa, canibalul stie ca e vorba de fluturi si-l baga la cazan.
Vine si randul moldoveanului nostru. Cu frica in oase, cu gandul la cei doi care fierbeau in cazan, abia bigui "butterflyli".
Sta canibalul si se gandeste si nu reuseste sa inteleaga sensului cuvantului.
-Ma dau batut, te las in viata, dar spune-mi si mie cum se traduce "butterflyli", spuse canibalul.
-Fluturili, raspunse usurat moldoveanul.
Un tip aude ca fata unui canibal este foarte frumoasa asa ca, plin de tupeu, se duse la el:
-Am venit sa ii cer mana fiicei dumneavoastra!
-Bine! O servesti aici sau la pachet?
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