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Badea Gheorghe o viola pe maria.
Maria: ajutoooor !!!
Gheorghe: taci fa, ca pot si singur.







13 voturi. Medie nota: 2.31
12345


Era o zi calduroasa de vara pe munte si Badea Gheorghe statea la stana cu prietenul sau Badea Ion.
La un moment dat Badea Gheorghe zice:
-Ioane!
-Zii, mah!
-Ce bun e sexul, ma!
-Parca mai bun e Craciunul ma!
-De ce?
-Este mai des!


Un pictor trece pe un camp si vede un cioban cu oile la pascut.
Merge la el si il intreaba:
- Bade imi dai voie sa-ti pictez oile?
La care ciobanul zice:
- Ba deloc, ca mie imi plac asa cum sunt!


Un pictor vestit, aflat intr-o drumetie in munti, intalneste o turma si se adreseaza ciobanului:
- Bade, imi dai voie sa-ti pictez oile?
- Esti nebun, omule? Lasa-le asa albe cum sunt...


Badea Gheorghe cetea ziarul in timp ce-si pastea oile.Si vede el acolo un titlu cu SIDA.
"Ma, ce-o fi asta?", se intreba el."Sa-l intreb si pe Ion:
- Bade Ioane!
- Zi, ma!
- Tu, ai SIDA?
Sta badea Ion si se gandeste: "Ce-o fi aia, frate? Daca ii spun ca n-am, zice ca-s prost! Daca ii spun ca am, o sa-mi ceara sa-i dau!"
- Bade Gheorghe!
- Ma, ai sau nu ai?
- Da,ma! Dar mi-o ramas numai putin pe fund,ma!



Nevasta baciului pazea o turma de oi, fiind cam frig afara statea cu mainile intre picioare. Intre timp apare si fiica curioasa din fire o intreaba:
- De ce tii mama mainile intre picioare?
Raspuns: aici am o sobita la care tin mainile sa ma incalzesc.
A doua zi ramane fata cu oile si vazand ca este frig isi pune mainile intre picioare, ciobanul Vasile trece prin zona si o vede. O intreaba de ce tine mainile acolo si raspunde la fel ca mama-sa. Vasile se scarpina in cap si-i spune:
Am un carnat ma lasi sa-l incalzesc in sobita? Fata este de acord.
Seara povesteste maica-sii toata treaba, aceasta furioasa ii spune: ce fraiera ai fost, Vasile te-a f...t!
Fata ii raspunde in gura mare: fraier a fost Vasile ca eu am pastrat toata grasimea!


Un ziarist face o vizita la o stana, unde ciobanul e tocmai cu oile la pascut.
-Ce faci, bace?
-Uite, aice cu turma...
-Pot sa vorbesc cu cainele tau?
-Cainele nu vorbeste!!!Ziaristul se apleaca la caine:
-Ce mai faci, Azor?
-Multam, fain.(ciobanul ramane cu gura cascata)
-Ciobanul te ingrijeste bine?
-Nu ma plang.Imi da mancare buna,nu ma bate si din cand in cand ne mai si jucam.Ciobanul sta stupefiat.
-Bace!Pot sa vorbesc cu magarul tau?
-Magarul nu vorbeste...Ziaristul se apropie de magar:
-Ce mai faci, magare?
-Nu ma plang.(ciobanul intra in stare de soc)
-Ciobanul se comporta bine cu tine?
-Da.Imi da fan,abrac,iar daca e vreme rea, ma baga in sura.... Cioabanul cade pe spate.
-Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu oaia ta?
-Apai bagaboanta aia minte... de ingheata apele!


Un cioban are 100 oi. In afara de cele 100 mor toate. Cate oi i-au mai ramas?
Raspuns: 100 de oi.


La usa unui paznic de langa munti, stau doi parinti si plang:
- Ieri copilul nostru a plecat in munti si nu s-a intors!
- Asteptati putin. Cum se numeste copilul?
- George Moldoveanu!
- Google, la mine!
Se apropie un St. Bernard imens.
- George Moldoveanu, ai inteles? Cauta!
Peste ceva timp, se intoarce cainele si spune:
- La solicitarea voastra nu am gasit nimic in munti dar in valea de langa munti am gasit 2940 de copii cu numele de George si 3249 de Moldoveanu. Sa continui cautarea?


Cica o tipa facea o plimbare cu masina proprietate personala, prin defileul Toplita-Deda.La un moment dat, i se impotmoleste masina, intr-o baltoaca si este nevoita sa apeleze la doi ciobani din zona, (UNUL INALT DE PESTE DOI METRI, IAR CELALALT, SCUND, SUB 1,50 M.) pentru a-i impinge masina. La finalizarea activitatii, artista, ii intreaba pe cei doi barbati, ce doresc?
-Sa-mi dau pantalonii in jos, sau 300.000 .
Foarte hotarati, ciobanii, au raspuns in cor:
-Dati-ne banii, cucoana.
Multumita peste masura de de alegerea bravi lor barbati, tipa isi vazu de drum. La care, cel inalt, exclama:
-Ce teapa i-am tras cucoanei. DACA LUAM PANTALONII, PENTRU MINE ERAU PREA MICI, IAR PENTRU TINE, ERAU PREA MARI?!


Un ziarist face o vizita la o stana, unde ciobanul e tocmai cu oile la pascut.
- Ce faci, bace?
- Uite, aice cu turma...
- Pot sa vorbesc cu cainele tau?
- Cainele nu vorbeste ! Ziaristul se apleaca la caine:
- Ce mai faci, Azor?
- Multzam, fain. (ciobanul ramane cu gura cascata)
- Ciobanul te ingrijeste bine?
- Nu ma plang. Imi da mancare buna, nu ma bate si din cand in cand ne mai si jucam.
Ciobanul sta stupefiat.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu magarul tau?
- Magarul nu vorbeste... Ziaristul se apropie de magar:
- Ce mai faci, magare?
- Nu ma plang. (ciobanul intra in stare de soc)
- Ciobanul se comporta bine cu tine?
- Da. Imi da fan, abrac, iar daca e vreme rea, ma baga in sura...Ciobanul cade pe spate.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu oaia ta?
- Apai, bagaboanta aia minte de ingheatza apele!


Un ardelean si un matematician in tren. Dupa un timp trec pe langa o stana. Ardeleanul 1,2,3,4,5,...425 de oi. Se uita si matematicianul,scoate un pix si o foaie calculeaza... nimic. Dupa o ora mai trec pe langa o stana.
Ardeleanul 1,2,3,4,5,6,...281 de oi. Matematicianul scoate notebook-ul calculeaza, mathcad alea alea, nimic.
Dupa inca cateva ore trec pe langa alta stana. Ardeleanul: 1,2,3,4,5,...892 de oi.
Matematicianul scoate mobilul suna un prieten, se conecteaza la internet cauta, da mail-uri, nimic.
- Domnule, nu va suparati, dar eu sunt matematician, membru al Academiei, cu diplome multe, comunic ari etc. si nu am putut numara. Cum faceti?
- No, d-apai simplu domnul meu, numeri picioarele si imparti la patru...


Doi ciobani aveau stanele apropiate una de alta, insa bucatile fiecaruia de pamant nu erau despartite. Intr-o zi unu dintre ei se enerveaza ca celalalt tot is pastea oile pe toloaca lui si se duce la el si ii spune nervos:
-Daca iti fut una!!!!
la care celalat zice:
-Poti sa le futi pe toate ca eu doar le pasc!!


Un orb si un cioban merg la Cinematograf. Ciobanul intreaba pe orb:
- Vezi bine?
- Nu.
- Atunci hai mai in fata!


Un student de duce la o stana sa faca un reportaj despre viata la ciobani. Sta el cateva zile printre ei, si cum i se cam face dor de o partida de sex, il intreaba pe cioban, cand el cand are pofta, ce face?
- Iau o oaie si-mi fac treaba.
Studentul nu sta mult pe ganduri, ia o oaie si incepe...
Ciobanul facea pe el de ras.
S:De ce razi domne, nu asa ai zis matale ca faci?
C:Ba da ma, da cu curva aia ti-ai gasit!!!


Niste turisti americani catre un cioban ce isi pastea oile linistit:
- Bade, nu tce supera chiti oi ai?
Ciobanul malc ...
Turistii: mei bade, chiti oi ai mei?
La care ciobanul nervos :
- What da fuck do you wanth men?


O gagica la ocazie face cu mana la autostop in plin camp. Opreste un tip cu un Ferari rosu, lasa geamul jos . Ea bucuroasa de ocazia care s-a ivit, baga capu pe geam sa discute cu soferul. Acesta ii prinde capu in geam, coboara si o violeaza.
Il vede un cioban si zice el oftind: - Off o masina nu oi cumpara, dar o usa cu geam tot imi eau!!


Ion si Gheorghe pasteau oile pe marginea unei prapastii fara fund.
La un moment dat, Ion neatent, aluneca si cade in hau. Gheorghe speriat, incepe sa-l strige:
- Ioaneeee? Baaaa Ioaneeee?. Ion nu raspunde.
Dupa un timp se aude vocea lui Ion:
- Ceeee-i ma Gheooooo??
- Ma Ioaneee ti-ai rupt vreun picior ?
- Nuuu ma Gheooooo?
- Ti-ai ruuupt vreo maaana ??
- Nuuu ma Gheooo?
- Da ceee-ai patiit ?
- Nimic ma Gheooo, ca inca n-am ajuuuns jos.


Ion si Vasile mergeau cu trenul.In compartimentul lor un cetatean scoate niste banane si le da si lor cate una. Nestiind cum se mananca ei il urmaresc pe cetatean si fac ce face si el.
Desface ala banana..desfac si ei.....musca ala din banana, musca si Ion primul, moment in care trenul intra in tunel. Dupa un moment Ion zice:
-Bai Vasile ai muscat si tu din banana?
Vasile:-Nu.
Ion: -Nu musca ba ca orbesti!!


Ce este ciobanul bogat?
Gigi Becali!


Nişte studenţi erau în excursie cu corturile pe munte. Unul dintre ei era mai şmecher, era rocker şi avea părul destul de lung. La un moment dat cărarea montană trecea printr-o poiană iar acolo era o turmă de oi cu ciobanul sprijinit într-o botă cu bărbia pe ambele mâini şi care se uita luuung la studenţi. Ăla mai şmecher îl întrebă:
- Ce măi ciobane, ce te uiţi aşa, n-ai mai văzut artişti sau vrei să mi-o pui?
- De pus ţi-o pun oricum dar mă uitam să văz pe unde...


Ce zice ciobanul cand se descalta?
- Eee, a mai trecut un an..
Dar ce zice cand isi schimba ciorapii?
- Na ca nici astia nu tin decat doi ani...


Doi berbeci stateau in staul si priveau cum se pregateste ciobanul sa tunda oile.
Unul dintre berbeci zice:
- Mamaaa, sa vezi ce striptease se incinge acum!


Se intalnesc doi ciobani, unul dintre ei spuse :
- Ce mai face fratele tau, Ioane?
- A murit intr-un accident de avion!
- Cum ma? Era pilot?
- Nu!
- Era pasager?
- Nu!
- Era pe aeroport si a dat avionul peste el?
- Nu!
- Atunci cum naiba a murit?
- Era cu oile pe camp si se uita dupa un avion si nu a vazut groapa din spatele lui...


Un orasean bogat, isi face o casa de vacanta in inima muntelui, aproape de o stana de oi.
Cand fiul unui cioban se ofera sa-l ajute la treburi pe langa casa, omul isi aminteste de un zvon privitor la dimensiunile sexului muntenilor si se hotaraste sa-l verifice, de aceea il cheama pe tanar in casa:
- Mai, Ioane, daca tu ai sexul atat de mare cat acest casetofon, sa stii ca ti-l dau tie!
Zis si facut! Ion se descheie la prohab si-si etaleaza mandretea langa casetofon si apoi pleaca fericit cu casetofonul.
A doua zi dis-de-dimineata, Ion apare la usa oraseanului si bate nerabdator:
- Nene, deschide, sunt eu, Ion! Am venit cu tata sa ne dai si frigiderul!!


Trecea Kant, marele filozof, pe langa o stâna din Românica:
- Pastore ancestral, ale tale sunt aceste mirifice ovine care se autofurajeaza pe acest mioritic plai?
Ciobanul, sprijinit in bata si dand din cap:
- Indubitabil!


- Ce zic ciobanii cand se descalta?
- A mai trecut un an...!


Intr-un tren doua studente care plecau in vacanta si un cioban stateau in acelasi compartiment.
Din plictiseala, fetele se apuca sa converseze:
- Vai draga, m-a ros pantoful si ma doare "tendonul lui Achile"...
- Si pe mine de ieri ma doare "marul lui Adam", se plange a doua.
Ciobanul nu vrea sa se lase mai prejos. Se ridica de pe scaun si zice:
- Tulai, ce mi-o amortit "buca lui curu"!