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-Nu Sir, este sus cu un domn.
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-Yes, Sir.
Sir se duce sus unde era doamna de unde se aude un urlet.
Sir se intoarce:
-John, un doctor pentru domnul si un tirbuson pentru doamna.
-John!
-Da sir!
-Bomboanele au maini si picioare?
-Nu sir!
-Of, iar am mancat gandaci!
-John !
-Yes , Sir .
-Adu-mi un pahar cu apa !
-Ok , sir .
-John !
-Yes , Sir .
-Mai adu-mi inca unul.
-Bine , sir .
-John !
-Mai mai adu-mi un pahar cu apa ...
-Dar , sir , nu va face bine atata apa ...
-John , esti nebun , nu vezi ca arde biblioteca !!
Sir catre John:
-John,cand deschizi usa la baie se aprinde becul automat?
-Nu, Sir,de ce?
-Ah, inseamna ca iar m-am cacat in figider.
-John, lamaia are pene?
-Nu, Sir,de ce?
-Ah...iar am stors canarul in ceai!
Sir si John sunt la vanatoare pe domeniul castelului. Servitorul (privind prin binoclu inspre castel):
-Sir, cred ca ar trebui sa va informez ca doamna este in compania unui domn.
Sir:
-Nu se poate, te inseli. Doamna mi-a spus ca primeste o prietena in vizita. Da-mi si mie binoclul.
...
-Acest binoclu nu este suficient de puternic. Da-mi pusca cu luneta.
Un turist american viziteaza Londra, cand deodata simte nevoia sa urineze. Cauta, cauta si nu gaseste nici o toaleta. Neavand incotro, intra pe o straduta, se apropie de un colt mai intunecat langa un zid mai inalt si incepe sa se descheie la fermoar. Inca inainte de-a incepe sa urineze simte o bataie usoara pe umar. Se intoarce si langa el se afla un politist tipic englez:
- Scuza-ma, domnule - spune politistul – e interzis a urina in locuri publice.
Americanul se scuza, ii spune ca nu are incotro, ca nu se poate abtine si nu gaseste WC.
- Te voi ajuta - zice politistul - vino dupa mine.
Il conduce pe turist spre o portita in zid si-i arata drumul in interior. Turistul intra si ochii aproape ca-i ies din orbite. Se afla intr-o superba gradina, intretinuta, plina de aranjamente cu iarba, flori, tufe si copaci. Politistul ii indica unul din copaci si-i spune: nici o problema, poti sa urinezi aici. Americanul urineaza, respira usurat si-l intreaba pe politist:
- Spune, asta-i ceea ce se cheama amabilitatea engleza?
- Nu - raspunde politistul - noi numim asta ambasada franceza...
-Iertati-ma Sir, dar am impresia ca va cauta cineva la telefon.
-Cum ai impresia, John? Sau ma cauta cineva la telefon sau nu ma cauta!
-Vedeti Sir, cand am ridicat receptorul, vocea de la celalalt capat a spus:
"Tu esti, caraghios batran, chel si idiot?"
-John?!
-Yes Sir!
-Lamaia are pene?
-Nu Sir!
-La naiba, iar am stors papagalul!
John, exista lamai care zboara?
-Nu, Sir!?
-Oh John, atunci am stors din greseala canarul ?Žn ceai...
John: Sir, avem un hot ?Žn biblioteca...
Sir: Si ce citeste, John ?
Sir sta ?Žn sufragerie.
-John!
-Da, my Lord...
-Mi-e frig. Ce temperatura avem de fapt aici ?Žnauntru?
-17 Grade, my Lord
Dupa c??teva minute:
-John!
-Da, my Lord...
-Dar afara?
-4 Grade, Sir!
-John, deschide atunci fereastra si lasa si
gradele alea ?Žnauntru!...
Sir ?Žsi ?Žntreaba valetul:
-John, nu s-a ?Žntors ?Žnca sotia mea de la partida de calarit?
-??nca nu, Sir, dar cred ca trebuie sa vina.
Calul s-a ?Žntors de o jumatate de ora...
La resedinta suna telefonul...trrrrrrrrrr...
John ridica receptorul.
-John!
-Yes, Sir.
-Unde-i doamna, John ?
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-John ia pusca si ?Žmpusca-i pe am??ndoi.
-Yes, Sir.
Se aud cateva ?Žmpuscaturi si tipete dupa care John revine la telefon..
-Sir ?
-Yes, John, e gata treaba ?
-Yes, Sir, pe doamna am ?Žmpuscat-o dar pe domn numai l-am ranit, dar sarind pe geam a cazut ?Žn piscina si s-a ?Žnecat.
-John, dar noi nu avem piscina!!!
-Alo, ce numar ati format ???
-John, adu-mi te rog o portocala.
-Poftiti, Sir.
Sir: (dupa ce ia portocala ?Žn m??na dreapta si-o miroase)
Portocala asta pute adu-mi alta te rog.
-Poftiti, Sir.
-Si portocala asta pute, alta, te rog.
-Poftiti, sir.
-Si asta pute!!! De unde iei tu potocalele astea de put toate???
-No offense, Sir, dar cred c-ar trebui sa schimbati m??na.
-John, ce-a fost zgomotul acela puternic?
-Sir, un automobilst a vrut sa intre pe o strada laterala.
-Si?
-Si, sir, strada nu se afla ?Žn locul unde a virat automobilistul.
Un om soseste ?Žn graba la Sir:
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-Iar?!
Sir si John se pregatesc sa plece ?Žn vacanta si pe cand sa intre ?Žn masina sa plece...
Sir: John aduceti-mi pianul va rog...
John: Hmmm... de ce, Sir ?
-Aduceti-mi pianul va rog...
-De ce, Sir? Pianul e mare si greu...
-Mi-am uitat bricheta pe el, John...
Sir se afla ?Žmpreuna cu John ?Žn vizita la Paris.
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-Cu placere, Sir, pot atunci sa ?Žmi iau dupa-masa liber?
Sir ?Ži zice lui John:
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-Imediat Sir? Sa mai iau ceva si ?Žn cealalta m??na?
Sir o f**ea pe Lady. John tinea lum??narea. Dupa 15 min Sir:
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-Nu, Sir.
John tinea ?Žn continuare lum??narea. Dupa alte 15 min:
-Lady, esti multumita?
-Nu, Sir.
John tinea ?Žn continuare lum??narea. Tot asa p??na ce Sir oboseste si schimba locul cu John.
Dupa 5 minute Lady urla ca este multumita. La care Sir:
- John, vezi cum se tine lum??narea?!!
Sir sta ?Žn gradina si citeste ziarul.
John vine si ?Žl face atent:
-Sir, din slit va atarna ceva!
Sir da ziarul, la o parte se uita la prohab si zice:
-Oh, she is gone!...
Sir statea la masa si se chinuia sa ?Žntepe cu o scobitoare niste masline.
-John, striga el, maslinele fug?
-Nu, Sir! Dar de ce?
-??nseamna ca iar am m?Žncat gandaci de bucatarie...
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-Nu, Sir?! Dar de ce ?Žntrebati?
-Uite, aici scrie ca un tramvai a calcat un hornar...
-John, spune Sir, care ?Žsi spala picioarele ?Žn lighean, te rog arunca apa asta si adu-mi un prosop.
John ia ligheanul si ?Žl arunca pe geam, iar de afara se aude un tipat ?Žnsotit de ?Žnjuraturi, la care Sir impasibil:
-John, era cineva ?Žn lighean?
Sir se urca pe cal invers, cu spatele ?Žn fata...
-Sir, spune John, dar nu asa se urca pe cal!
-Taci, ma, de unde stii tu ?Žncotro vreau sa merg...
John merge la vanatoare in fiecare week-end.
Merge el in ziua cu pricina sa inchirieze o arma si un caine:
- Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele?
- Arma gratuit, cainele 50$!
- OK!
Vaneaza bine, se intoarce urmatorul week-end:
- Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele?
- Arma gratuit, cainele 100$!
- De ce asa?
- L-am facut agent!
- OK!
Vaneaza bine...bine, se intoarce urmatorul Week-end:
- Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele?
- Arma gratuit, cainele 200$!
- De ce asa?
- L-am facut supervisor!
- OK! Vaneaza bine...bine...bine, se intoarce urmatorul week-end:
- Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele?
- Arma gratuit, cainele 400$!
- De ce asa?
- L-am facut manager!
- OK!
Se-ntoarce foarte dezamagit:
- Ma cac pe cainele tau, ca de cand l-ai facut manager STA IN CUR SI LATRA!
Sir isi intreaba valetul:
-John, nu s-a intors inca sotia mea de la partida de calarit?
-Inca nu, Sir, dar cred ca trebuie sa vina. Calul s-a intors de o jumatate de ora...
- John, du-te afară şi udă florile.
- Sir, dar afara plouă.
- Nu-i nimic, ia-ţi umbrela.
- Iertaţi-mă, Sir, dar cred că vă caută cineva la telefon...
- Cum adică "crezi", John, mă caută sau nu mă caută?
- Să vedeţi, Sir, c?Žnd am ridicat receptorul, o voce de femeie mi-a spus:
- Tu eşti t?Žmpiţelul meu, pleşuv şi idiot?
Doi francezi, aflaţi ?Žn Anglia, nu avuseseră ocazia să vadă deloc soarele ?Žn două săptăm?Žni. Ca să se dumirească, l-au ?Žntrebat pe recepţionerul de la hotel:
- Pe aici plouă des?
- Cam de două ori pe an, domnule.
- Şi c?Žt ţine?
- Cam şase luni...
Niste exploratori englezi mergeau prin jungla. Deodata, unul din ei cade intr-o groapa (capcana intinsa de bastinasi) in care se afla un leu (cazuse mai inainte). Englezul incepe sa fuga imprejurul gropii. Leul fuge dupa el. Ceilalti stau pe margine si fac pariuri. La un moment dat, unul din ei striga:
"Accelereaza Smithson, leul e chiar in spatele tau!".
Smithson: "Nu va ingrijorati domnilor, eu am o tura in avans."
Un turist american viziteaza Londra, cand de-odata simte nevoia sa urineze. Cauta, cauta si nu gaseste nici o toaleta. Neavand incotro intra intr-o straduta, se apropie de un colt mai intunecat langa un zid mai inalt si incepe sa se deschie la fermoar.
Inca inainte de-a incepe sa urineze simte o bataie usoara pe umar. Se intoarce si langa el se afla un politist tipic englez.
-Scuza-ma domnule - spune politistul - interzis a urina in locuri publice.
Americanul se scuza, ii spune ca nu are incotro, ca nu se poate abtine si nu gaseste WC.
-Te voi ajuta - zice politistul - vinodupa mine. Il conduce pe turist spre o portita in zid si-i aratadrumul in interior.
Turistul intra si ochii aproape ca-i ies din orbite. Se afla intr-o superba gradina, intretinuta, plina de aranjamente cu iarba, flori, tufe si copaci.
Politistul ii indica unul din copaci si-i spune: nici o problema, poti sa urinezi aici. Americanul urineaza, respira usurat si-l intreaba pe politist:
-Spune, asta-i ceea ce se cheama amabilitatea engleza?
-Nu - raspunde politistul - noi numim asta ambasada franceza
Intr-un avion un roman,un francez si un american.
Cand ajung in America, americanul spune scotand mana pe geam:
-Aici este America, pt ca am atins cu mana de statuia Libertatii!
Cand ajung in Franta francezul spune:
-Aici e Franta pt ca am atins cu mana de turnul Eiffel!
Cand ajung in Romania, romanul spune:
-Am ajuns in Romania, pt ca nu mai am ceasul la mana!
Doi englezi nu stiau romana. Au vazut doi betivi care ziceau:
-Noi doi amandoi!
Englezi au retinut aceste cuvinte si vad o baba care zicea:
-Pentru o lingura de fasole.
Englezi au retinut si aceste cuvinte. Dupa aia au vazut un mosneag care spunea:
-Cu cutitul.
Englezi au retinut si aceste cuvinte.Si au vazut dupa aia in sarac care spunea:
-Mai da zece mii de lei!
Englezi au retinut doar: ,,mai da zece!".
Atunci o baba a murit si un politist intreaba:
-Cine a facut asta?
-Noi doi amandoi!
-De ce ati facut asta?
-Pentru o lingura de fasole.
-Cum ati omorat-o?
-Cu cutitul.
-Zece ani de inchisoare v- paste!
-Mai da zece!
Un arab la aeroportul din Heatrow:
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no? I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn?t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast !
John si sotia sa Mary stau de vorba:
-Mary, zice John, uite ca vremurile sunt tulburi, avem si probleme cu banii, cred ca daca ai invata sa gatesti am putea concedia bucatarul si asa am reduce din cheltuieli. Ce zici?
-Da draga, ai dretate! Pe de alta parte daca ai invata tu sa faci dragoste am concedia soferul!!
Sir iese dimineata pe poarta vilei si gaseste acolo un cersetor zdrenturos rau de tot. I se face mila de el si se gindeste sa-i dea niste bani.
- Ia omule 3 lire sa-ti cumperi tigari.
- Multumesc Sir dar eu nu fumez.
- Hmmm, atunci ia 5 lire si du-te sa-ti iei o sticla de whisky.
- Multumesc Sir dar eu nu beau.
- Hmmm, atunci ia 10 lire si du-te si tu la femei.
- Multumesc Sir dar eu nu merg la femei.
- Auzi ba, ia 100 de lire si du-te la nevasta-mea sa vada si ea cum arata unu care nu fumeaza, nu bea si nu merge la femei.
Cica vine un englez in Romania si dupa ce invata el asa un pic limba se hotaraste sa vorbeasca si el cu cineva. Merge el prin tara si la un moment dat vede un taran ce cosea. Se duce la el si il intreaba:
- Tzarane tu coseshti?
Taranul cosea de zor plin de transpiratie!
- Tarane tu coseshti?
Taranul la fel...
-Tarane tu coseshti?
La care taranul:
- Man, you have an obsession?
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