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Doua prietene la cafea .....
-Soacra mea doreste sa slabeasca acum,si tine un regim strict.
-Si ce regim de slabire a gasit ?
-Nu mananca decat banane si nuci de cocos.
-Merge ? Cat a pierdut din greutate ?
-Mai nimic ,in schimb sa o vezi cum sare prin copaci....



Gheorghe tragea coasa pe deal,cand apare vecinul zicandu-i:
-Ma Gheorghe,repede acasa,fugi ca-ti moare soacra!
-Auzi ma omule,mai intai munca,apoi distractia!


Un tanar ajunge emotionat acasa si o anunta pe mama sa ca e indragostit si ca se insoara, dar ca sa fie prezentarile mai emotive aduce acasa trei fete foarte frumoase si ii zice mamei sa ghiceasca care e aleasa inimii lui. Dupa cateva minute, la o cafeluta mama zice:
- Aleasa ta este fata asta din mijloc.
La care fiul surprins intreaba:
- Cum de ai ghicit?
Mama raspunde:
- Pai, de asta nu-mi place!


Intr-o zi, o soacra s-a gandit sa vada cat de mult tin ginerii ei la ea. S-a aruncat in piscina. Vine generele cel mic si o salveaza. A doua zi, acesta gaseste in fata casei lui un Logan si mesajul "Bine faci, bine gasesti", semnat "Mama-soacra". Urmatoarea zi se arunca iar. Al doilea ginere o salveaza si el. A doua zi, si acesta gaseste un Logan in fata casei lui, cu acelasi mesaj. Urmatoarea zi se arunca iar, insa al treilea ginere nu o salveaza, lasand-o sa se inece. Urmatoarea zi, ginerele gaseste un Maybach si mesajul "Bine faci, bine gasesti", semnat "Tata-socru"!


Care-i asemanarea dintre vin si soacra ... ?
Amandoua sunt bune reci si pe masa ...


Soacra isi invita ginerele la masa. Ginerele, desi suspicios, accepta invitatia. Pe masa, diferite salate, preparate din carne de pui, porc, cartofi vreo 3 feluri, deserturi, bere rece, vin, ...etc. La un moment dat soacra iese la bucatarie. Ginerele ia o bucatica de carne si i-o da pisicii, care dupa 2, 3 crampe moare sub masa. Nervos tare, apuca o cratita goala si cand intra soacra ii trage una de o lasa lata pe jos. La care pisica de sub masa:
-Uraaa!!!!!


Gheorghe isi inmormanteaza soacra. Vine omul acasa si cand sa deschida poarta ii pica o tigla in cap. Gheorghe, contrariat, se uita spre cer:
- Ai si ajuns, scarba?!?!?!


Scrisoare catre un post de televiziune:
Va rog terminati o data cu stirile difuzate pe banda din josul ecranului! Soacra-mea crede ca e karaoke si canta tot buletinul de stiri!


Trei candidati dau examenul de conducere la scoala de politie. Instructorul care ii examineaza ii intreaba:
- Fiecare sa-si imagineze ca este la munte si ruleaza pe un drum ingust cu 80 km/h. In stanga e muntele, in dreapta e prapastia. Deodata apar in fata o tanara si o batranica. Ce calcati?
- Baba, ca e pacat de pustoaica, raspunde primul.
- Fata, ca mai are sanse de supravietuire dupa accident, raspunde al doilea.
- Pe amandoua, ca orice viraj e periculos in aceste conditii, zice si al treilea.
- Sunteti picati totii!!! tipa instructorul exasperat. Frana trebuie calcata, dobitocilor!!!


Asemanarile dintre o soacra si o bere:
-amandoua sunt cu capsa pusa
-amindoua fac spume la gura
-amandoua sunt bune reci pe masa...


O baba avea trei gineri.
Intr-o zi cand ginerele mare venea de la servici, baba care il vede intrand pe poarta sare ?Žn fintina. Asta sare dupa ea si o salveaza.
A doua zi in curte ginerele gaseste o Dacie cu un biletel pe capota "Bine faci, bine primesti" Mama soacra.
In alta zi aceeasi poveste dar acum cu ginerele mijlociu.
Sare si asta dupa baba ?Žn fintina o salveaza si ?Žn urmatoarea zi gaseste ?Žn curte o motocicleta cu un biletel:"Bine faci, bine primesti" Mama soacra.
Vine si rindul ginerelui mic.Baba face saritura de rigoare dar inainte sa sara dupa ea ginerele mic sta putin si se gindeste: Daca ala mare a primit o Dacie, ala mijlociu o motocicleta eu ce o sa primesc ? O bicicleta?
Aiurea, nu-mi trebuie. Las-o sa moara!
In urmatoarea zi in curte cind iese vede un Mercedes cu un biletel pe capota: "Bine faci, bine primesti" Tata socru.


O soacra ii da ginerului de ziua lui 2 cravate,una
> rosie si una albastra.La aniversare soacra l-a vazut
> ca avea cravata albastra si ii spune
> -STIAM EU CA NU O SATI PLACA UNA DINTRE CRAVATE!!
>



Soacra in vizita la nora.
Nora: Mama soacra, cat stai pe la noi?
Soacra: Atat cat voi fi bine primita!
Nora: Cu, nici la o cafea nu stai?


La tribunal:
-Esti acuzat ca ti-ai omorat soacra cu sange rece. De ce ai facut-o?
-Nevasta-mea mi-a zis...
-Cum poti sa spui asa ceva, sotia ta isi iubea foarte mult mama!
-Asa e, da inainte de a pleca, in ziua respectiva, mi-a zis: "Marcele, daca in timp ce doarme o deranjeaza vreo musca, n-o trezi, omoar-o!"



Un tanar fermier scotian se insoara cu o fata din satul vecin. Dupa nunta la care s-au servit traditional doar produsele fermei, spre aprobarea admirativa a invitatilor, tanara pereche isi petrece luna de miere timp de o saptamana intr-un cort asezat pe malul raului care traversa ferma si se intoarce la munca de zi cu zi. De indata, insa, isi face aparitia mama sotiei, venita sa inspecteze in amanunt proprietatile ginerelui, ca sa se asigure ca totul este gospodarit asa cum scrie la carte si nu se face risipa. Tragedia se intampla atunci cand mama soacra, insotita de fiica si ginere, traverseaza grajdurile: din motive inexplicabile, magarul fermei isi arunca copitele din spate exact in fruntea mamei soacre, trimitand-o pe loc in lumea dreptilor.
Desigur, la inmormantare participa toti locuitorii celor doua sate vecine, zguduiti de intamplare.
Cand lumea se indeparteaza spre case, pastorul il opreste pe fermier la iesirea din cimitir.
- Dragul meu, stiu ca este un moment greu pentru voi, dar nu ma pot abtine sa te intreb: cand primeai condoleantele, am observat ca la toate femeile dadeai din cap de sus in jos, iar la toti barbatii - de la stanga la dreapta. Vrei sa-mi spui si mie de ce, daca nu sunt prea indiscret?
Fermierul se uita in jur si se asigura ca nu-i aude nimeni. - Foarte simplu, parinte. Femeile imi spuneau: "Ce tragedie cumplita!", iar eu spuneam "Asa este...". In schimb, barbatii ma intrebau daca inchiriez magarul, iar eu le spuneam: "Imposibil, am semnat deja contracte pentru dublul sperantei lui de viata.."


Un vanator pleaca intr-un safari impreuna cu sotia si soacra. Intr-o seara, dupa ce si-au ridicat tabara, soacra se rataceste si vanatorul impreuna cu sotia sa pleaca sa o caute. Intr-un tufis o gasesc impietrita de groaza in fata unui leu care ragea din toti rarunchii. Vazand asta, sotia intreaba disperata:
-Si acum ce facem?
-Nimic, raspunde vanatorul, leul s-a bagat singur in treaba asta, lasa-l sa se descurce!!!


O soacra cu trei gineri hotaraste sa-i puna pe toti la incercare.
In prima zi se arunca in lacul de langa casa.Sare ginerele mare shi o salveaza. Seara, ginerele gaseshte in fata casei un Mertzan pe care era un bilet: "Ce-ai facut, ce primeshti.
Semnat:mama soacra."
A doua zi soacra sare iar in lac shi o salveaza ginerele mijlociu. Seara, ginerele gaseshte in fata casei un Harley Davidson super cu un bilet: "Ce-ai facut, ce primeshti.Semnat: mama soacra."
A treia zi soacra sare iar in lac shi ginerele mic se gandeshte: La ala mare i-o dat un Merzan, la ala mijlociu un Harley,mie sigur n-o sa-mi dea nimic. Da-o in p***a ma-sii.
Seara ginerele mic gaseste un Ferrari in fata casei cu un bilet: "Ce-ai facut, ce primeshti. Semnat: tata socru."


un cetatean se plange altuia:
-soacra-mea e ca un ziar...
-de ce ,vorbeste mult?
-nu ,apare zilnic...


-sefule ,as vrea sa merg la inmormantarea soacrei mele.imi da-ti voie?
-cum sa nu?cine n-ar vrea sa participe la o asemenea festivitate?


sotia ,dupa o discutie aprinsa cu sotul ,conchide:
-si ,daca-ti inchipui ca plec la mama ,te inseli!dimpotriva, am s-o chem pe ea sa locuiasca vre-o cateva luni la noi!!!


-azi noapte am visat-o pe soacra-ta.
-si ce spunea?
-nimic. tacea malc!
-ai confundat-o, nu era ea!


I:Cum s-a numit soacra lui Adam?
R:Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in paradis.



Sunt pregatit pentru diseara sa am o divergenta de opinii cu nevasta-mea.
- De ce?
- La pranz mi-am spanzurat soacara.


Un barbat intra furtunos in sectia de politie:
-Veniti repede! Soacra-mea s-a spanzurat!
-Macar ati dat-o jos din franghie? il intreaba unul dintre politisti.
-Cum asa? inca traia cand am plecat spre politie!



Un tip merge la doctor si acesta ii spune ca suferin de o boala incurabila mai are doar 6 luni de trait. Auzin aceste tipul raspunde:
-Atunci pentru ultimele luni de viata ma voi muta la soacra-mea!
Auzind aceste doctorul stupefiat:
-De ce omule? Nu ai alceva mai bun de facut?
-La soacra-mea in casa 6 luni imi vor parea o vesnicie...




Un vanator pleaca intr-un safari cu soacra-sa si su sotia. Intr-o seara prin jungla soacra se rataceste si vanatorul si sotia pleaca sa o caute. Intr-un tufis o gasesc impietrita de groaza in fata unui leu care ragea din toti rarunchii. Vazand asta sotia zice vanatorului:
-Ce facem acuma?
-Nimic, raspunde vanatorul, leul s-a bagat singur in treaba asta lasa-l sa se descurce...


Un tip vine cu 3 fete la mama lui si ii zice:
- Care va fi mireasa mea? GHICESTE!
- Cea din mijloc.
- Cum ai ghicit?
- Pai aia nu imi placea.


O femeie cauta o carte in bibloteca.
Sotul o intreaba : - Ce cauti draga?
- Sti unde-i cartea aia "Cum sa traim pana la 140 de ani"?
- Da, tocmai am aruncat-o...
- De ce?
- Incepuse ma-ta s-o citeasca!


- C??inele dv. mi-a muscat soacra!
- Si ce pretentii aveti?
- Stiti, dacÄ? se poate, as dori sÄ?-l cumpÄ?r!


Un barbat deapan amintiri din tinerete:
Ma simteam un om fericit, iar in scurt itmp aveam sa devin unul implinit. Urma sa ma casatoresc, cu iubita mea, ai carei parinti erau extrem de bogati. Un singur lucru nu-mi dadea pace, si acela era viitoarea soacra. Mai precis, frumusetea ei. Era o femeie superba si destepta, care rivaliza cu fiica ei, doar varsta fiind cea care facea o oarecare diferenta. Mama-soacra nu pierdea nici o ocazie sa flirteze cu mine.
Intr-o zi m-a sunat si m-a chemat la ea, ca sa verificam impreuna invitatiile pentru nunta. Era singura, si cand am ajuns mi-a soptit ca in curand am sa ma casatoresc, iar ea va suferi. Mi-a zis ca are sentimente puternice fata de mine, pe care nu le putea trece cu vederea. Asa ca inainte de a ma casatori cu fiica ei, isi dorea sa facem dragoste o singura data. A plecat in dormitor cu un scop anume, si mi-a promis ca ma-asteapta.
Am iesit din casa, iar in fata portii - spre stupoarea mea - am dat nas in nas cu viitorul meu socru. Acesta tinea in mana o pusca de doborat ursi. Inainte de a ma dezmetici, m-a luat in brate si mi-a marturisit ca sunt foarte fericiti ca am trecut micul lor test de fidelitate.
MORALA: Sa-ti tii intotdeauna prezervativele in masina.


O femeie cauta o carte in biblioteca. Sotul o intreaba:
- Ce cauti draga?
- Stii unde e cartea acea: "Cum sa traim pana la 140 de ani"?
- Da, tocmai am aruncat-o......
- De ce?
- Incepuse maica-ta sa o citeasca!


Un barbat suna la pompieri si zice speriat:
-Domnule soacra mea vrea sa se arunce de la etaj!!
-Si care e problema?
-Nu se deschide fereastra!!!


Ajunge Vasile in Rai dupa moarte. Acolo, da peste o multime de femei, care ii spunei fiecare acelasi lucru: - Fiule, nu ma mai recunosti? Sunt soacra ta!!
Vasile se duce la Sf. Petru si zice:
- Uite ce patesc, toate femeile astea imi spun ca sunt soacrele mele! Si eu nu stiu pe care sa o cred!
Sf. Petru iese afara la multime si spune:
- Eu zic sa facem asa: il taiem pe Vasile in cate bucati sunteti voi, va dau cate o bucata, si veti fi toate multumite.
Multimea tace, numai o voce se aude dintr-un colt:
- Da!!! Asa sa facem, sa-l taiem!!!!
La care Sf. Petru se intoarce spre ea:
- Te-am gasit! Tu esti adevarata soacra!!!!


Vine ginerele acasa, isi scoate camasa, se intoarce cu spinarea la soacra-sa si spune:
- Scuipa!
- Ce ai, ti-e rau, cum pot sa scuip eu ginerele?!
- Am zis sa scuipi, scuipa!
- Dar de ce?
- Doctorul a spus ca reumatismul se trateaza cu unguent pe baza de venin de vipera!


I: Stiti care e asemanarea dintre o soacra si o bere?
R: Amandoua fac spume la gura si amandoua sunt bune reci!


La circ David Coperfield primeste ca de obicei un potop de aplauze. El isi anunta ultimul numar:
- In urmatorul numar voi face sa dispara o femeie. Pentru asta am nevoie de un voluntar din public.
Din randul doi se aude un glas:
- Mergi, mergi dumnea-ta, mama soacra!...


Un vanator pleaca intr-un safari cu soacra-sa si su sotia. Intr-o seara prin jungla soacra se rataceste si vanatorul si sotia pleaca sa o caute. Intr-un tufis o gasesc impietrita de groaza in fata unui leu care ragea din toti rarunchii. Vazand asta sotia zice vanatorului:
- Ce facem acuma?
- Nimic, raspunde vanatorul, leul s-a bagat singur in treaba asta lasa-l sa se descurce...


- Ai venit la tanc, bunico - zise nepotelul deschizand usa - tata tocmai spunea ca numai dumneata mai lipseai.


-Doctore,chiar nu mai e nici o speranta?
-Nu tinere,soacra dumitale se va insanatosi cat de curand!


- Alo, Farmacia? Maine are sa vina soacra-mea cu un catel.....Va rog sa-i dati niste otrava....
- In regula, dar catelul va nimeri singur drumul catre casa?


Ion o vede pe soacra-sa ca mergea cu bicicleta pe strada.
-Unde mergi,mama-soacra?
-La cimitir!
-Si bicicleta cine o aduce acasa?


Intr`un sat seceta mare... Gheorghe merge disperat la un vecin si zice:
-Da`mi ma si mie 2 galeti de apa, omul ii da...
In scurt timp apare iar Gheorghe cu aceeasi rugaminte, omul zice:
-Nu`tzi mai dau ma Gheorghe, ca e mare seceta in sat!
Gheorghe disperat:
- Da`mi te rog din sulflet ca ma recompensez eu cumva.
Omul: Bine ma, dar numai daca imi zici pentru ce`ti trebuie.
Gheorghe:- A cazut soara-mea in fantana si ii ajunge apa numa pana la barbie.


Uun tigan bate la poarta unei case.
Barbatul casei raspunde:
- Da, ce doresti?
Tiganul: - Nu aveti nimic de care nu mai aveti nevoie?
Barbatul: - Stai o clipa, sa o aduc pe soacra-mea.


In fata unui bloc de 10 etaje se tot aduna lumea si striga disperata:
- Criminalule! Criminalule!
Un tip la etajul 7 se chinuia sa arunce o femeie peste geam! Intr-un final reuseste sa o arunce, dar femeia se prinde de balustrada geamului de la etajul 3.
Omul coboara repede etajul si, dupa o lupta inversunata, femeia cade si se face tandari.
El coboara linistit in fata blocului sa infrunte multimea care tot striga:
- Criminalule! Criminalule! La care omul linistit:
- Stati, ma, ca era soacra-mea!
Toata lumea: - Aaaaaaa!!!
La care un tip din multime:
- Ce tupeu avea! Ati vazut cum se tinea, bestia?!


Care este asemanarea intre bungee-jumping si sexul oral facut de soacra?
In amandoua cazurile privind in jos te ia frica...


La o nunta.... de obicei-prin sate se fura mireasa......!
Numai la nunta lui Bula in loc de mireasa i-au furat-o pe soacra!!
Bula, nedumerit:
- Mai da prosti mai sunt! Nu puteau sa fure si ei ceva mai de pret?!


Sotia:
-Draga, azi dupa masa a cazut pendula de pe peretele din sufragerie. Daca pica cu o clipa mai
devreme ii pica mamei in cap!...
La care sotul enervat:
-Ti-am mai spus eu ca pendula aia tot ramane in urma...


La Tribunal:
- Esti acuzat ca ti-ai omorat soacra cu sange rece. De ce ai facut-o?
- Nevasta-mea mi-a zis...!
- Cum poti sa spui asa ceva, sotia ta isi iubea foarte mult mama!
- Asa e, dar inainte de a pleca, in ziua respectiva, mi-a zis:
- Marcele, daca in timp ce doarme o deranjeaza vreo musca, n-o trezi, omoar-o!


-Inculpat, de ce v-ati aruncat soacra de la etajul noua?
-Pai, m-a enervat si i-am dat branci fara sa ma gandesc la urmari.
-Evident, la trecatori nu v-ati gandit.


II moare soacra unui om.
Dupa trei zile o ingroapa, merge fericit acasa, gandind ca de acum va avea liniste, dar nici bine nu ajunge la poarta si de undeva, de sus, ii cade o caramida in cap.
Dupa cateva minute, se ridica ametit si nervos tipa:
- Ai si ajuns scorpie?!


O soacra pe patul de moarte ii spune ginerelui sau :
- Hei tu Costele, sa repari si tu pendula aia din perete...
La care ginerele ii spune :
- O repar, stai linistita, dumneata concentreaza-te acolo..!!!